Fat. Black.Woman.

I'm getting tired of people discrediting my experiences. I'm exhausted by it. I'm getting tired of people trying to tell me that the things that I experience as a fat black woman are not real.  I'm getting tired of shedding real tears, experiencing real pain, struggling with real insecurities, over something that everyone tries to convince me doesn't really exist.  I'm about to get real with y'all. And I mean downright ugly real.

I'm so insecure. My weight, my hair, my butt, my skin. None of it is "right."  I'm not small enough, my hair is not long enough, my butt is not big enough, and my skin is not light enough.  I thinkabout these things far too often, but the reminders of my lack are plenty. Every time I turn on the TV or social media I'm reminded why I'm not enough.  Every main chick on TV shows/movies is a light skinned or non black woman with long flowing hair and a small, curvy shape. Other kinds of black women may be present in the media but they are almost always boxed into stereotypical roles of being ghetto, poor, evil, masculine, etc.  Even the brown skin girls who are popular in the media are on the lighter side of the brown spectrum.  As with any other observation, there are exceptions to what I'm saying, but it is definitely not the norm to see a woman like me in a positive light.  Recently, a female comedian with "all-american" looks made a very scathing video about fat people and their need to lose weight. I know better than anyone that trying to shame someone into losing weight actually makes them gain weight. There is also scientific evidence to support that claim as well (cool article here).  Nonetheless, I'm tired of the fact that people see my weight, color, and sex and make generalizations about who I am as a person. I'm tired of the fact that people see these things as a source of shame and embarrassment.

Fat Invisibility
I experience invisibility regularly due to all three of these visible facets of my identity--my fatness, my blackness, and my womanness. As a plus-size woman I've always felt invisible to the opposite sex and even other women who didn't consider me competition because of my weight.  Have I had boyfriends? Yes of course. But for the most part, I've been led to feel that only a small sector of men liked girls like me. I never characterized how I felt as invisible until recently, but it is definitely something I have experienced my whole life and continue to experience. The invisibility I experience and the resulting insecurity that has stemmed from it has actually stopped me from frequenting certain places. In college,  I'd go to the club with my girlfriends just to find that I was the one who didn't have anyone to dance with. I'd be out at a party just to find that I was the one who wasn't getting anyone's phone number. I'll never forget the time that I went out in Washington D.C. with two friends of mine, both who were petite and fair-skinned (or at least significantly fairer than me), and got invited into this guys section at a club. I remember that they were engaged in conversation with the guy and his friends while I kind of awkwardly sat off to the side. We ended up getting into an argument after I disappeared from the section to wander the club on my own. I was so uncomfortable in that space even though the situation was superficial. I too wanted to feel attractive and wanted attention from the opposite sex. Unfortunately, when I visited places like the club I always felt like I would have to compete with other women for attention. Except that I never did.  I wasn't going to wear extra skimpy clothing or shake my booty extra hard just to get a few dances or phone numbers.  So eventually I stopped going to clubs. To this day most people do not know why I do not go to clubs because I have never fully articulated it out of embarrassment. But my feelings are real. My experiences with men are never going to be the exact same as the next woman's and unfortunately, men really do discriminate against fat women. These experiences even occur outside of the club in my every day life. I simply just can't avoid life itself, so I only avoid the club.

Black Invisibility
Another layer of my invisibility is tied to my blackness. I'm a brown-skinned girl in a eurocentric world.  In our society,  our subconsciousness has been programmed to believe that "white is right" and often times we do what it takes to come as close to that whiteness as possible.  Whiteness is a standard that I can never achieve, yet even people of my very own race try to measure me up to it. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being white, but I shouldn't have to achieve or desire whiteness for my black body. My blackness should be just as acceptable, but it's not. We're in an age now where "race doesn't matter" yet black women aren't even seen in the same public spaces that we once inhabited.  We have been replaced in the music videos of black artists and other forms of black media with white women or other non-black women of color. I've been blaring Kendrick Lamar's "Alright" as my anthem for this summer, but I couldn't help but be disappointed by his music video. There were only TWO women featured throughout those six minutes and fifty five seconds and neither of them were black women.  I mean really Kendrick? Are we gon be alright too? Do only black men's lives matter or do the issues facing women need to be placed on the forefront as well? Another thing I'd like to mention that is often times an elephant in the room is interracial dating among black men. Black men interracially date at twice the rate as black women do. It's no longer cool or trendy to just date a light skinned woman. Now that black men have access to white women they date them. Interracial dating is totally acceptable and I'm totally for it, but what I'm not for is devaluing of black women while upholding white women on a pedestal because of their whiteness.  I can't point out individual interracial couples and judge how or why they got together, but what  I do know is that there are black men out there who are chasing white girls exclusively for their whiteness while disparaging black women.  This is not okay.  This has been a problem for me since I was a teen involved in a summer business program minority high school students.  One of our counselors was a young, attractive,  college-aged, black male.  After the program ended most of the counselors and students friended each other on Facebook. I can't remember his exact remarks, but I remember this particular counselor had written a disparaging status about black women one day to which I responded, "Isn't your mom black?" along with some other choice words that I can't remember. His reply back was simply that if I didn't like it then to not read it. I think this status hurt me personally because I had a crush on this guy and here he was on Facebook ripping apart a piece of my identity to an audience of white female and other non-black onlookers. I remember him trying very hard to get with another counselor who was a person of color but of an unbeknownst-to-me mixed racial background. How could someone have such harsh words for black women when the very person that birthed him was a black woman?

Woman Invisibility
My invisibility as a woman inherently intersects with my invisibility as a fat, black person as well. Many of the things I have outlined already in my previous two sections are experiences that are unique to some extent to women.  Of course men get judged for their weight, but does that stop them from being successful in the media and entertainment? They're not as limited as women are in that aspect. As a matter of fact I was so IRRITATED the other day when I was watching an episode of Fullhouse where Uncle Joey,  an average looking man who lives in the Tanner's basement, links back up with an old high school girlfriend.  The woman was beautiful by anyone's standard, yet she was bumping with Uncle Joey simply because she thought he was funny. But Gabby can't have a love interest on Empire? boo bye. We are put under so much pressure to look a certain way and when we try to achieve these looks we're still often times bashed. Big butts have always been trendy ( at least among black people), yet women are being bashed for trying to achieve this look via surgeries, padding, etc.  Black women are constantly being torn down for having short, "nappy" hair, but we're put to shame when we wear extensions even though many women of different races do so as well. I have so much more to offer this world than my body.  I want to be valued for the other parts of me too such as my intelligence, wit, writing capabilities, generosity, and whatever other gifts God put inside of me.  He gave me these things to love and care for others--including a one day husband.  However, in this society I feel as though the only thing that matters is the size and shape of my body.

For those of you who may be perpetuating any of three issues presented, please take the time to unpack the invisible knapsack where you hold your shame, biases, stereotype, or anything else that makes you operate in fatphobia, misogyny, and/or anti blackness. It's okay to have your preferences, but think about how your preferences have been informed. Do you still believe the age old lie that being fat = being lazy (I was an athlete throughout my entire childhood and I was still fat)?  Are you afraid or ashamed to date someone who is as brown or browner than you? If so, then why? Do you treat women of color and/or fat women with less respect than other women? These are some questions you can ask yourself as you think about the issues presented in this article. For those of you who are the victims of invisibility, be encouraged and keep your head held high. Some people aren't going to like it that you're confident because they expect you to be ashamed, but just keep on living and being your best self.  My prayer is that as we continue to learn how to love and believe in ourselves, others will follow suit and will start to see our humanity.  The world needs your unique talents and skills, so please by all means step into the light. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding.

True Love,
Brelynn

This is how much God really cares about your HAPPINESS

These days, people are only concerned about their happiness.  They base their lives and actions upon the idea of achieving happiness.  However, there are some major flaws in living life this way, namely that happiness is a mere emotion. When we live our lives based on emotions, our lives become unstable.  Emotions can come as fast as they go and they are constantly changing. That is because our emotions are based on our circumstances.  Yesterday, I was happy that I got a good night's rest. However, today I am unhappy because I do not want to go to work tomorrow.  Regardless of my negative emotions, I still have to go to work. If I didn't go to work tomorrow what would the consequences be? Well, I would lose one day of work to prepare for my upcoming break.  I could potentially be fired for not showing up if I chose not to call in first with a valid excuse.  I could leave my co-worker to fend for herself tomorrow at our presentation session--the session with the largest attendance all summer. Just because we feel a certain way does not mean we can act upon those feelings.  

People are convinced that God "just wants us to be happy."  Well do you think God wants those people who are happy when they're doing drugs that are destroying their bodies to continue doing drugs in order to maintain their happiness? Of course not.  So why do we believe that our happiness is God's priority? The truth of the matter is that it's not.  God's priority is His will and His plans for our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) clearly states " For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."  God, our creator, knows what is best for us. He has plans that far surpass in greatness any plans that we could have for ourselves.  Even though we may not understand or agree with the plans He has for our lives, understand that God operates out of pure, true love for us because He IS love.  He wants us to be happy, but He wants us to be happy within His will.  More importantly, He wants us to have and experience the peace, joy, and love that comes through being in right relationship with Him (by accepting His Son, Jesus Christ, as our Lord and Savior) and being obedient to His Word.  We all have a choice as to whether or not we will be led by our emotions and be unhappy with the plans God has laid out for us, or be happy with plans of our own.  Just like we have a choice of whether or not we will accept God's free gift of salvation or reject it.  Do not follow this world and its ways. Do not follow the movement towards "happiness."  Happiness comes and goes, but joy is everlasting (Isaiah 51:11) because it comes from the Lord (Psalm 28:7).  

Please do not take this post to mean that you should ignore your emotions or that your emotions are not important. God cares about how you feel. He cares about those times when you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see. He cares about those times when you are angry because of something that went down at work.  You should always take time to address your emotions with the help of God. Tell Him how you feel and ask Him to help you process your emotions.  You may receive comfort, revelation, or both.  Just understand that your emotions should not lead your behavior.  

God's love is here, is present, is real.  I can't wait for you to experience it and to work towards experiencing it regularly by meditating on His word and spending time in prayer with Him. God's love for us is EXCEEDINGLY GREAT.  He is anxious to hear from you, even right now as you read this blog. If you feel Him tugging on your heart, just let go and talk to Him! He longs to heal you, to comfort you, to love you, to whisper His word into your heart. He loves you, He truly loves you. More than your boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, siblings, or anyone else on this Earth could. I long for everyone to feel what I feel, even right now as I write, but you must accept Jesus Christ into your life in order to fully experience the Love of God.  Regardless of whether you believe in God or not He is real.  It is just fact. Won't you step out and risk experiencing His unconditional love today? His love is waiting on you. It's literally on the other side of your prayer: Lord, I accept your Son Jesus Christ as my  Lord and Savior. Thank you for saving me, thank you for loving me first.  Please send your Spirit into my life in order to guide me in love.  Fill me up with your love so that I too can love. In Jesus'  Holy name, amen. 

True Love

Baltimore is not a painting; it is a mirror

God has given me a heart for social justice. However, sometimes my emotions get too wrapped up in it and I spend my days angry and/or disheartened by the things that I read, see, and hear. But then I go into my prayer time with the Lord where He comforts me, loves on me, and gives me peace all the while assuring me that whatever it is I'm stressing about is in His hands. Recently, it's been Baltimore.  And I know that the many other cities, every city, is in His hands as well, but we have to make sure that we keep those cities in His hands. You see, Baltimore is not some distant city still struggling with racism of the past. Baltimore's issues are here and now, and they exist in pretty much every other city or town in America as well as many places abroad.  Racism never died, it just evolved.  What we need to understand here in America is that most of us, regardless of color, want the same thing--to be valued and treated as equals.  But when we say things like "race doesn't matter" and "I don't see color" then that also means that you don't see the racial differences that are still widely present in our society. That means that you don't see why the killing of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown are actually regular occurrences due to the fact that black men and women are stereotyped as thugs, aggressive, and criminals. That means that you don't see that calling every black man with dreads, braids, dark skin, or "urban" clothing a thug is actually a stereotype when many of these men are doctors, lawyers, electricians, etc.  That means that you don't see why it's inappropriate to talk about and touch black women's hair and then cringe because it is different than your own loose textured hair.  That means you don't see why it's no okay for little black girls who don't wear their hair in it's natural, voluminous state to be suspended from school because their hair is considered a distraction.  I could go on and on, but hopefully by now you see what I mean.  I also hope that you SEE and UNDERSTAND that black people are hurting. We're hurting from the degrading affects that racism has had on our own lives. I hurt when I hear my friend talk about the black boys that she works with who say that they would never date a black girl, yet have no reason for saying this or utilize stereotypes to justify their demeaning statements. I hurt when I see young brown and dark skin girls whose self esteem is low simply because of the color of the skin that GOD gave them.  I hurt when I see black people being called animals and thugs when the name caller doesn't even know who they are.

Many of us do not even know that we are operating through and perpetuating racist stereotypes.  We are taught very little about our country's racist past, but our parents pass down and teach us what they learned, what they thought, and what they did when it came to race relations. Not everything that our parents have taught us is good. It's important to know though that most people these days are not intentionally racist. Most white people are not secretly running around with the KKK or harboring a secret hatred for black people. Most people act based off of what they have seen, heard, or have been taught about black folks via TV and the media.  Unfortunately many of the things we see, hear, and are taught about black folks these days are untrue or grossly skewed.  Racism does not only exist on an individual level, but instead it is ingrained in the structure of our society; it is institutionalized. One example of this institutionalized racism is the black genocide  of the 60s when racial minorities were being used as test subjects for the birth control pill without their full consent. A current example is the over representation  of African Americans in our nations penal system. If only we could recognize this institutionalized racism for what it is and agree that it no longer serves us as a country or our quest to truly live as equals. They keep saying that race doesn't matter, but God made us all different for a reason.  I don't believe that race should be ignored; I think that it should be embraced. Ignoring race is how we got to where we are today in places like Ferguson and Baltimore. and if we continue to turn the blind eye to this country's deeply rooted issues then we will also continue to see these uprisings.  Baltimore's issues with racial tension, police brutality, and poverty are not isolated to that one city alone.  Please do not look at Baltimore as some far off place that has no affect on your life. You're more than likely living in your very own Baltimore right now. It may be bigger or smaller, worse off or a little better, but generally the same issues still stand. Baltimore is not simply a painting, it is a mirror that reflects the conditions of black people all over this country.


True Love

For the Love of God!

It's true what Jesus said in Matthew 4:4, "Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." If you truly want to live, if you truly want to feel ALIVE then you need the love of God. His word reveals what His TRUE LOVE for us looks like: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" John 15:13.  I had forgotten this as of late.  I've been running around like a chicken with my head chopped off worried about finances, work, finding a new place to live, ministry, what my next blog post should be, etc. and I've truly just been FULL of anxiety and fear.  Then I started talking to a sweet sister in Christ who always points me back to the Lord, and she reminded me that I needed to love and be loved. Seriously, I've never met this girl in my life and she lives hundreds or even thousands miles away in another state, but the God in her always shines through.  Thank God for her.  Through her I now have the Lord's peace and comfort upon me. I encourage you all as she encouraged me to stop and take time to love on the Lord and the people around you. 

If you're irritable, depressed, angry, moody, or feeling any other type of way then you need a REFILL on God's love.  God's love is what changes our hearts and our minds; it makes us no longer desire the sin that tries to ensnare us and helps us turn away without having the desire to look back; it heals those broken places in our hearts; it gives us wholeness, completeness, and safety. That is love. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  God's love surpasses human knowledge. If your cup isn't full today then I encourage you to petition God to pour His love out on you. Tell Him you love Him and show your love for Him as well (by obeying His commands).  We can't earn His love, but if we do not spend time with Him then we cannot enter that place where we experience His love.  Below are some scriptures for you to meditate on that demonstrate God's love for us.  Let God's peace and comfort overtake you today and every other day!

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 8:37-39 - No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ephesians 2:4-5 - But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved ...

Romans 5:8 - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

1 Peter 5:6-7 - Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Psalm 86:15 - But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness

True Love

There's No Such Thing as "Waiting on God"

You're not waiting on God. God requires us to be patient, but at no point does He make us "wait." Waiting is an idle activity.  When God has not yet given us something, He doesn't want us to just "wait."  God is simply using that time to PREPARE you.  So our wait time is not waiting at all--it's preparation.  If you find yourself waiting on God, then you're probably not doing what you need to be doing.

I find myself waiting often, and during those times I allow my mind to fill up with anxious thoughts, unbelief, and then I begin to lose hope. God doesn't want us to wait on Him; He wants us to prepare for whatever it is that He has planned next.  How do we prepare for the plans that God has for us?  It's quite simple actually--spend time with Him.  There will be so many fleshly and spiritual forces that will try to stop you from doing this one simple thing, but it's really the most important thing you can do for yourself. Get a journal, index cards, a pen, highlighter, worship music, and a Bible that you understand and dive in.  Some days you may just write to God like a pen pal.  Some days you will read the Word and He will give you deeper understanding. Some days you may dance for Him or fall on your face in worship.  Some days you may pray for others.  Some days you may do all of these things. Let Him lead you during that quality time that you spend with Him and listen for His voice.

The fact of the matter is though, if you actually spend your time preparing rather than waiting, you won't even think about that thing that you're waiting on--a marriage, a ministry, a new house, a new friendship, etc.  God wants us to focus on the now, on the current season.  I know how hard it is because I struggle with this every day. I struggle to do the simple things I should be doing every day even though I know they will draw me closer to the Lord. Often times I don't do it. And it costs me. It shows in the anxiety and fear that I still experience regularly rather than the peace and comfort that the Holy Spirit brings. The truth is, sometimes I just don't feel like doing what I need to do.  Most of the time that's the problem. Other times I 'm afraid.  Living for God carries weight and responsibility, and I'm not so sure I'm cut out for it.  But then again, I'm not.  Jesus has qualified me to do this thing, not me.

Keep your eyes on the Lord and let Him prepare you. Everything He calls you to do has a purpose, even if He simply tells you to rest. Walk out of the waiting room; no one is going to show up to call your name.  Step onto the obstacle course and let God prepare you for what is to come.

True Love

Only God Can Judge Me

Happy Snow Day fellow Hampton Roadians!  I'm currently enjoying my free day off by cleaning up the house, writing this blog post, and watching TV. This subject has been on my heart for quite some time, so I wanted to finally take the time to sit down and address it.

Oftentimes we will hear and see people say "Only God Can Judge Me"  in the forms of memes, tweets, Facebook statuses, and straight from the mouth! I've also seen many well known ministry leaders invalidate this statement and tell people that they're using it as an excuse to keep sinning. Today I want to look at this statement from a different point of view that I think will be helpful in understanding why this phrase is so popular.

First, I'd like to say that I agree with most ministry leaders who debunk the myth that ONLY God can judge people.  We as Christians actually ARE called to make judgments about people and really we have to make judgments about people all of the time.  For example, you're at a mutual friend's house when you meet someone that is interested in "hanging out" with you.  You exchange numbers with this person, but they never text you first, refuse to stay on the phone for more than a few minutes, and are yet to ask you on a date after a couple of months of talking.  However, this person will text you late a night and ask you to come over to their house.  What would you determine about this person's character from their actions?  I'll leave that to you to ponder, but I think you catch my drift.  Let's take it directly to our handbook (the Bible)  and see what God says about judgment in Matthew 7:4-5

"Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. "

From this scripture we learn that we are first to judge and reflect upon our own character, heart, and mind before we can approach someone else about theirs.  Even then, we must approach them as God leads us and in His love.  So WHY in the world is it that people get so offended when ministry leaders such as Heather Lindsey tell them that they shouldn't be having sex outside of marriage? Or that women should not be giving or accepting Valentine's day gifts from men who they're not married to (or at least seriously courting in my opinion)?  We know what Heather Lindsey herself has been through with men and we know that she doesn't sugarcoat the truth that God has called her to preach to women across the world, yet many women still get offended by her words ( she's just one example but this happens all of the time).  The simple answer is that many people who read her words are feeling condemned. They feel condemned because as the Holy Spirit tries to lead them to the truth, satan comes right behind Him and tries to drive a wedge  between them and that truth. And why wouldn't he? The Bible says that you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you FREE (John 8:32)!  Satan doesn't want you to be free from him!  It's extremely important to know that condemnation is not of God or from God as He has clearly stated in His word that "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).  Those people who are believers are FREE from condemnation, but it doesn't mean that satan won't try to still attack them with it.  Condemnation is a tool often used be satan to separate you from the love of God and to keep you from repenting.  When you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior you have unlimited access to God's love, but satan does his best to keep you from knowing that.  Check out the definition of condemnation below:

satan is the one who gets into your mind and tells you to feel guilty, or tells you that you're going to hell for sleeping with your boyfriend last night, or that you're not good enough. God calls us by our names and He knows WHO we are and WHAT our purpose is. Do you really think He wants to use someone for His glory while simultaneously calling them a slut, murderer, a good for nothing, etc.? Absolutely not! Those are the lies of the enemy. When Christ died for our sins on the cross and we decided to accept Him as our Lord and Savior, our identity changed; it is now in Him and God loves us with the same love that He has for His Son.  The Holy Spirit comforts us and satan does his best to throw us into misery and confusion. Whenever you experience condemnation you must remember who you are: A child of God, made new in Christ, the righteousness of Christ, part of a Royal priesthood, etc.  Fight those attacks with scripture that tells you who you are in Christ.   So people who feel condemned often times become hostile because they feel attacked. The truth is, they are under attack but their adversary is not who they think it is.  A person who does not know God or maybe is in a season of distraction may not be aware or remember that it is satan who condemns and not God. So if Satan condemns then where is God in all of this? 

God uses the Holy Spirit to convict us.  Check out the definition of conviction below: 

When the Holy Spirit CONVICTS you, that means you have experienced a change of heart and mind. You recognize that the sin you're committing is truly not good for you and others that it may be affecting.  Conviction pushes you towards God, towards repentance, and AWAY from that particular sin.  I believe the conviction comes with a sense of peace and freedom rather than the guilt that condemnation brings.  Please keep in mind that if you have not accepted Christ as your Savior, then the Holy Spirit is not able to convict you of your sins.  Even if you do know God, satan will still try to overwhelm you with condemnation if you do not know who you are.  This is what a lot of people experience when God is trying to give them the TRUTH because satan does not want them to know the truth and truly change because of it.  

Have empathy with people who feel as though they're being judged and let your words be kind, gentle, and few.  Pray for them and cover them because they're under attack by the enemy.  God will lead you on how to help them, even if it's simply just keeping them in your prayers.  God is gentle, but He does not sugarcoat things.  These ministry leaders out here who are preaching the truth sometimes can come off as harsh, but they're human too and have our best interest in mind.  Keep them in your prayers as well!  I'm including a link about discerning condemnation from conviction that I hope will you going forward!

http://marriagemissions.com/discerning-the-difference-between-the-conviction-of-the-holy-spirit-and-condemnation-of-the-enemy/

True Love

Shame on Who?

It's on my heart today to share my struggle and journey as a person who is, according to the standards of the BMI chart, considered morbidly obese.  Yikes. It hurts to even write that.  But the fact of the matter is that my weight is not what has been hurting me my entire life--it's the way I've been treated because of it.  As crazy as this may sound, (or not) my weight has been my primary identity up until recently; it came before being black or being a woman in my own mind and others I guess because it was the most visible of my flaws.  I was always acutely aware of my weight and the grotesqueness of it due to the barrage of well meaning comments as well as snide remarks mainly coming from the mouths of my relatives.  Don't get me wrong--my family loves me, but they didn't want me to be fat.  They used a variety of methods to get me to lose weight from well-meaning encouragement that really just ended up being downright insulting ( "If you lost all of that weight, a lot of boys would like you!") to blatantly cruel words (like falling me a fata** out of anger). Calling me fat or fatty was always the first insult thrown when it came to disputes between me and family members that were my age.   It hurts to reflect on these things because my heart aches for the little girl that I used to be.  I grew up HATING myself because of my weight.  I never thought I could be considered pretty, I never thought that I would ever have a boyfriend, and I wouldn't even ALLOW myself to dress nice because I didn't think that I deserved it.  My mom would try to utilize shopping trips as an incentive to get me to lose weight but it never worked.  Beginning of the school year shopping trips ended with her angry and frustrated and me feeling awful about myself as this big, tall black girl that limited herself to t-shirts, jeans, and sweatshirts.

Although I was fat, I was actively involved in sports up until my sophomore year in high school.  I could run the mile (and  I even did it within the time limit to pass the school fitness test), play JV basketball, do suicides, and I even managed to do the flex arm hang for a couple of seconds.  I did all of these things at 239 lbs.  I had no major health issues or any minor health issues for that matter.  I was an active, healthy kid who loved vegetables, yogurt, and chicken as well as the normal junk food snacks such as chips, cookies and, candy.

I know that being overweight can lead to a higher risk of major health issues but shaming people, especially children, as a means of incentive or motivation to lose weight is demeaning and inappropriate. Luckily for me, I wasn't really made fun of for my weight by my peers. I was very easy to get along with and many people liked me as a person. But my family, who I love dearly, played the biggest role in how I felt about myself.  My self-esteem was very low for a long time and that issue propelled me into terrible relationships with males who did not care about me  and that just wanted to use me.  My clothing often showcased a little too much of my body (I'd wear low cut tops). But worst of all, every time I looked in the mirror I HATED who I was. However, everything I believed about myself was a LIE and I didn't realize that until I truly began to seek God.

You see, God knew me before I was created in my mother's womb (Jer 1:5) and He KNEW the physical, emotional, and mental struggles that I would face during my time on this Earth. But God sent His son Jesus Christ into this world to OVERCOME those struggles.  God gives me grace in every aspect of my life including any weight issues I have.  God still loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and even has a HUSBAND for me that will love me like Christ loves the church despite my weight.  God loves even the least of us, even when the world does not.  God set me free from those paper chains and my self esteem has greatly improved over the past few years. My value doesn't come from the inches around my waste.  Is it important to be healthy? Absolutely.  Do I need to eat healthier and be more active? Yes and probably moreso than the next person because of my weight and where it's centered on my body (my tummy).  But I am not less than because of my weight and I do not DESERVE less than for my weight. Christ died for big ole me too. And let's face it, EVERYONE needs to eat healthy and stay active; fat people do not need to be singled out as if they are the only ones who need to make healthy choices.  Sometimes I still struggle with my self esteem, and now that I'm  not so caught up on how I look weight wise anymore, new attacks try to spring up.  That's when I have to remember who I am...child of God, the righteousness of Christ, a part of a royal priesthood, and most importantly...LOVED.

With all of that being said, I commission all of you to love those people who you consider hard to love.  Many people consider fat people hard to love, but I press you to resist the temptation to shame them because of their bodies and instead seek God and figure out ways to love them. It will certainly be a challenge because many of us automatically think we must focus on a fat person's weight, but I urge you to focus on their heart instead.

True Love

The Freedom in Obedience

Freedom and obedience seem like oil and water to the naked eye, but if you dig deeper into your walk with the Lord then you begin to realize that their is real, everlasting freedom in being obedient to His word.  God wants the best for your life and my life, and He will give you the best life if you allow Him too  (Jer 29:11).  When I forgive others, when I apologize when I've done wrong, when I do the things that the Holy Spirit puts it on my heart to do, I feel peace.  That peace is a peace from God which surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:6).  Being obedient to God transfers your burdens in life off of your heart and onto God's.  We spend so much time worrying about things that we cannot change, yet we have know the very One who can. For example,  one thing that I continue to stress about regularly is my student loans.  I could buy a brand new 2015 Range Rover if my student loan debt was actually cash in my pocket. It's a ton of debt right? But I know that right now God has provided me with the job I have and the salary I have (I spent a year praying for this job and He finally gave me a VISION for it. I was unemployed for maybe three or four weeks before scoring the interview and I was hired at the end of it. Praise Him!) So if my current salary won't allow me to pay off my debt in full then God HAS to have another plan in place.  Why am I still worried again?  I do my part by paying my student loan payments on time every month.  The rest is up to God.

During times when I'm not being obedient to God, I know it is because I do not trust Him. Scripture tells us in John 14:23: 'Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."'  God already loves us, but He is waiting on us to choose to love Him back so that He can come into our hearts and dwell there.  If we love someone, then we trust them.  If we trust them, then we obey them.  Trust is a part of loving someone, and when you do not trust someone, unfortunately, that is not love.  Obedience is definitely challenging especially when fear, doubt, worry, and similar feelings come into the picture.  I encourage you today to push through that and seek God out instead. If you struggle with obedience as I do, then I encourage you to try the following

• Spend time with God daily- set aside at least 30 minutes daily to listen to worship music, pray, and read the Word. Reading the Word especially and including God in that time (asking Him questions about the word and listening for His voice while you're reading) will leave you feeling peaceful and refreshed. 
• Ask God what is hindering your obedience- I oftentimes struggle with fear and anxiety that ends up overwhelming me and keeping me from stepping out and doing things that God has told me to do. I even end up doubting that I heard God's voice at all.  Find out what is hindering you and use the sword of scripture to fight back when it attacks (For example, when fear attacks me I use scripture to come against fear) 
• Stay connected-Being around like minded people who are pursuing Christ will help you stay motivated and accountable.  You are a part of the body of Christ and we need you to contribute what God has purposed you for. 

If you don't know the Lord yet and are ready to become a disciple of the Lord then pray this prayer:(which I borrowed from another website)

"Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen." 
See more at: http://www.allaboutgod.com/prayer-of-salvation.htm#sthash.5ilhCyAw.dpuf

If your heart is aligned with this prayer, then you have been saved!  Congratulations and prayerfully start searching for a church home! 


True Love

Remember Who You Are

This month has been both exciting and exhausting.  My birthday passed a week and a half ago, and I thoroughly enjoyed festivities with coworkers and friends at Dave and Buster's and the movies (we saw Taken 3). I haven't always enjoyed my birthday though. Actually, I spent 7 long years feeling miserable and unloved every time that it came around.  You see, my birthday falls just two weeks after Christmas.  This is a time when people are still recovering from the holiday season and my birthday isn't usually on the top of everyone's minds.  Also, while I was in college, it was a time when all of my friends were at home with their families; we weren't at school together to celebrate my birthday.  This year was different though.  As I've grown in my relationship with Christ, I've learned that although I desire to have people around me to celebrate things such as my birthday, my accomplishments, and my growth, this just will not always be the case.  God has been bringing me through a wilderness experience as I learn how to rely on Him for my joy, my peace, and my strength--even when it feels as though no one else around me is on my team. 

On the morning of my birthday as I was getting ready for work, I felt the familiar pang of depression try to settle over me.  God freed me from depression last summer (that's a whole other story that I'm not quite ready to share), but it still tries to come back occasionally.  No sooner than my mind began to sink into those moody, unpleasant thoughts did God whisper to me in His still, small voice, "Remember who you are."  I love God, and I am reminded of His love for me when He sweeps me off of my feet into a warm, loving embrace at the mere sound of His voice. I don't understand how He can put so much love into so few words, but what I do know is that those words carried me through the rest of that day, and that week, and beyond. Even though my birthday was awesome this year, I've still faced other battles.  In the current age of social media where anyone and everyone can have a voice, I almost feel as though many aspects of my secular identity have been and continue to be viciously attacked. I've done my best to lovingly speak up and speak out, but to tell you the truth I am exhausted.  I've been fat-shamed, black-shamed, and of course gone through the ever present wringer that is misogyny.  Just yesterday I came across a page that was DEDICATED to bullying and shaming fat people, mainly women, due to the recent plus-size fashion and body positive movement. It still baffles me that people would actually dedicate genuine time and energy to such a cause in the name of health.  If you're so concerned with the health of fat women, then maybe you should do things like post healthy alternative recipes, or start an exercise class geared towards fat people, or raise money for the American Diabetes Association--not spread hate.   Anyways, I started feeling very bogged down by all of these things as I reflected on the conversations I've had and questioned myself: Am I being too sensitive? Is it even worth it to try to defend myself and other like me anymore? Will racism ever go away?  Is being fat really that bad? Is that why I'm still single? As I sat there thinking all of these things to myself with no real answers, I remembered again what God said to me on my birthday, "Remember who you are."   When you believe in Christ, your identity shifts from worldly things such as the kind of car you drive, the job you've attained,  that mental disorder you have, or that embarrassing viral video that you're featured in to who Christ is.  When Christ died on that Cross for us He took our sins away and gave us His righteousness in exchange! That's why when we accept Jesus Christ as our savior we become a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). We are free from the paper chains that our old life placed upon us and we have a new way to identify ourselves. This is the only identity we have that is unchanging because God's promises will never fail (Isaiah 55:11). I spent many years hating myself for being too dark, too fat, too tall, etc., but when I truly began to walk in the newness of Christ I realized that I was more than my job, my skin color, my gender, or any other worldly character trait you can think of. This is not to say that I have arrived. I still battle with my insecurities and must allow God to work in those areas of my life that are dark; it's a process.  But my identity in Christ is something that no person can take away from me... I am righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21), I am approved (Jeremiah 1: 5) , I am royalty (Romans 5:17).  That is why it is SOOOO important to remember these things and use scripture to fight when you feel any less than who God says you are. My suggestion for any believer is to write these scripture down on index cards and have them with you when you're in need of encouragement. 

Refuse to let the world define you and bog you down.  Of course, when you're fighting for what is good and what is right there are times when you will get tired and where you will need rest, but never stop fighting for what is good.  Remember who you are, and have empathy for the people around you who may not have the knowledge or understanding that you have.  Have empathy even for your enemies, and maybe you'll even find a way to reach them too.  But always, always remember who you are.


True Love