Fat. Black.Woman.

I'm getting tired of people discrediting my experiences. I'm exhausted by it. I'm getting tired of people trying to tell me that the things that I experience as a fat black woman are not real.  I'm getting tired of shedding real tears, experiencing real pain, struggling with real insecurities, over something that everyone tries to convince me doesn't really exist.  I'm about to get real with y'all. And I mean downright ugly real.

I'm so insecure. My weight, my hair, my butt, my skin. None of it is "right."  I'm not small enough, my hair is not long enough, my butt is not big enough, and my skin is not light enough.  I thinkabout these things far too often, but the reminders of my lack are plenty. Every time I turn on the TV or social media I'm reminded why I'm not enough.  Every main chick on TV shows/movies is a light skinned or non black woman with long flowing hair and a small, curvy shape. Other kinds of black women may be present in the media but they are almost always boxed into stereotypical roles of being ghetto, poor, evil, masculine, etc.  Even the brown skin girls who are popular in the media are on the lighter side of the brown spectrum.  As with any other observation, there are exceptions to what I'm saying, but it is definitely not the norm to see a woman like me in a positive light.  Recently, a female comedian with "all-american" looks made a very scathing video about fat people and their need to lose weight. I know better than anyone that trying to shame someone into losing weight actually makes them gain weight. There is also scientific evidence to support that claim as well (cool article here).  Nonetheless, I'm tired of the fact that people see my weight, color, and sex and make generalizations about who I am as a person. I'm tired of the fact that people see these things as a source of shame and embarrassment.

Fat Invisibility
I experience invisibility regularly due to all three of these visible facets of my identity--my fatness, my blackness, and my womanness. As a plus-size woman I've always felt invisible to the opposite sex and even other women who didn't consider me competition because of my weight.  Have I had boyfriends? Yes of course. But for the most part, I've been led to feel that only a small sector of men liked girls like me. I never characterized how I felt as invisible until recently, but it is definitely something I have experienced my whole life and continue to experience. The invisibility I experience and the resulting insecurity that has stemmed from it has actually stopped me from frequenting certain places. In college,  I'd go to the club with my girlfriends just to find that I was the one who didn't have anyone to dance with. I'd be out at a party just to find that I was the one who wasn't getting anyone's phone number. I'll never forget the time that I went out in Washington D.C. with two friends of mine, both who were petite and fair-skinned (or at least significantly fairer than me), and got invited into this guys section at a club. I remember that they were engaged in conversation with the guy and his friends while I kind of awkwardly sat off to the side. We ended up getting into an argument after I disappeared from the section to wander the club on my own. I was so uncomfortable in that space even though the situation was superficial. I too wanted to feel attractive and wanted attention from the opposite sex. Unfortunately, when I visited places like the club I always felt like I would have to compete with other women for attention. Except that I never did.  I wasn't going to wear extra skimpy clothing or shake my booty extra hard just to get a few dances or phone numbers.  So eventually I stopped going to clubs. To this day most people do not know why I do not go to clubs because I have never fully articulated it out of embarrassment. But my feelings are real. My experiences with men are never going to be the exact same as the next woman's and unfortunately, men really do discriminate against fat women. These experiences even occur outside of the club in my every day life. I simply just can't avoid life itself, so I only avoid the club.

Black Invisibility
Another layer of my invisibility is tied to my blackness. I'm a brown-skinned girl in a eurocentric world.  In our society,  our subconsciousness has been programmed to believe that "white is right" and often times we do what it takes to come as close to that whiteness as possible.  Whiteness is a standard that I can never achieve, yet even people of my very own race try to measure me up to it. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being white, but I shouldn't have to achieve or desire whiteness for my black body. My blackness should be just as acceptable, but it's not. We're in an age now where "race doesn't matter" yet black women aren't even seen in the same public spaces that we once inhabited.  We have been replaced in the music videos of black artists and other forms of black media with white women or other non-black women of color. I've been blaring Kendrick Lamar's "Alright" as my anthem for this summer, but I couldn't help but be disappointed by his music video. There were only TWO women featured throughout those six minutes and fifty five seconds and neither of them were black women.  I mean really Kendrick? Are we gon be alright too? Do only black men's lives matter or do the issues facing women need to be placed on the forefront as well? Another thing I'd like to mention that is often times an elephant in the room is interracial dating among black men. Black men interracially date at twice the rate as black women do. It's no longer cool or trendy to just date a light skinned woman. Now that black men have access to white women they date them. Interracial dating is totally acceptable and I'm totally for it, but what I'm not for is devaluing of black women while upholding white women on a pedestal because of their whiteness.  I can't point out individual interracial couples and judge how or why they got together, but what  I do know is that there are black men out there who are chasing white girls exclusively for their whiteness while disparaging black women.  This is not okay.  This has been a problem for me since I was a teen involved in a summer business program minority high school students.  One of our counselors was a young, attractive,  college-aged, black male.  After the program ended most of the counselors and students friended each other on Facebook. I can't remember his exact remarks, but I remember this particular counselor had written a disparaging status about black women one day to which I responded, "Isn't your mom black?" along with some other choice words that I can't remember. His reply back was simply that if I didn't like it then to not read it. I think this status hurt me personally because I had a crush on this guy and here he was on Facebook ripping apart a piece of my identity to an audience of white female and other non-black onlookers. I remember him trying very hard to get with another counselor who was a person of color but of an unbeknownst-to-me mixed racial background. How could someone have such harsh words for black women when the very person that birthed him was a black woman?

Woman Invisibility
My invisibility as a woman inherently intersects with my invisibility as a fat, black person as well. Many of the things I have outlined already in my previous two sections are experiences that are unique to some extent to women.  Of course men get judged for their weight, but does that stop them from being successful in the media and entertainment? They're not as limited as women are in that aspect. As a matter of fact I was so IRRITATED the other day when I was watching an episode of Fullhouse where Uncle Joey,  an average looking man who lives in the Tanner's basement, links back up with an old high school girlfriend.  The woman was beautiful by anyone's standard, yet she was bumping with Uncle Joey simply because she thought he was funny. But Gabby can't have a love interest on Empire? boo bye. We are put under so much pressure to look a certain way and when we try to achieve these looks we're still often times bashed. Big butts have always been trendy ( at least among black people), yet women are being bashed for trying to achieve this look via surgeries, padding, etc.  Black women are constantly being torn down for having short, "nappy" hair, but we're put to shame when we wear extensions even though many women of different races do so as well. I have so much more to offer this world than my body.  I want to be valued for the other parts of me too such as my intelligence, wit, writing capabilities, generosity, and whatever other gifts God put inside of me.  He gave me these things to love and care for others--including a one day husband.  However, in this society I feel as though the only thing that matters is the size and shape of my body.

For those of you who may be perpetuating any of three issues presented, please take the time to unpack the invisible knapsack where you hold your shame, biases, stereotype, or anything else that makes you operate in fatphobia, misogyny, and/or anti blackness. It's okay to have your preferences, but think about how your preferences have been informed. Do you still believe the age old lie that being fat = being lazy (I was an athlete throughout my entire childhood and I was still fat)?  Are you afraid or ashamed to date someone who is as brown or browner than you? If so, then why? Do you treat women of color and/or fat women with less respect than other women? These are some questions you can ask yourself as you think about the issues presented in this article. For those of you who are the victims of invisibility, be encouraged and keep your head held high. Some people aren't going to like it that you're confident because they expect you to be ashamed, but just keep on living and being your best self.  My prayer is that as we continue to learn how to love and believe in ourselves, others will follow suit and will start to see our humanity.  The world needs your unique talents and skills, so please by all means step into the light. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding.

True Love,
Brelynn