It's on my heart today to share my struggle and journey as a person who is, according to the standards of the BMI chart, considered morbidly obese. Yikes. It hurts to even write that. But the fact of the matter is that my weight is not what has been hurting me my entire life--it's the way I've been treated because of it. As crazy as this may sound, (or not) my weight has been my primary identity up until recently; it came before being black or being a woman in my own mind and others I guess because it was the most visible of my flaws. I was always acutely aware of my weight and the grotesqueness of it due to the barrage of well meaning comments as well as snide remarks mainly coming from the mouths of my relatives. Don't get me wrong--my family loves me, but they didn't want me to be fat. They used a variety of methods to get me to lose weight from well-meaning encouragement that really just ended up being downright insulting ( "If you lost all of that weight, a lot of boys would like you!") to blatantly cruel words (like falling me a fata** out of anger). Calling me fat or fatty was always the first insult thrown when it came to disputes between me and family members that were my age. It hurts to reflect on these things because my heart aches for the little girl that I used to be. I grew up HATING myself because of my weight. I never thought I could be considered pretty, I never thought that I would ever have a boyfriend, and I wouldn't even ALLOW myself to dress nice because I didn't think that I deserved it. My mom would try to utilize shopping trips as an incentive to get me to lose weight but it never worked. Beginning of the school year shopping trips ended with her angry and frustrated and me feeling awful about myself as this big, tall black girl that limited herself to t-shirts, jeans, and sweatshirts.
Although I was fat, I was actively involved in sports up until my sophomore year in high school. I could run the mile (and I even did it within the time limit to pass the school fitness test), play JV basketball, do suicides, and I even managed to do the flex arm hang for a couple of seconds. I did all of these things at 239 lbs. I had no major health issues or any minor health issues for that matter. I was an active, healthy kid who loved vegetables, yogurt, and chicken as well as the normal junk food snacks such as chips, cookies and, candy.
I know that being overweight can lead to a higher risk of major health issues but shaming people, especially children, as a means of incentive or motivation to lose weight is demeaning and inappropriate. Luckily for me, I wasn't really made fun of for my weight by my peers. I was very easy to get along with and many people liked me as a person. But my family, who I love dearly, played the biggest role in how I felt about myself. My self-esteem was very low for a long time and that issue propelled me into terrible relationships with males who did not care about me and that just wanted to use me. My clothing often showcased a little too much of my body (I'd wear low cut tops). But worst of all, every time I looked in the mirror I HATED who I was. However, everything I believed about myself was a LIE and I didn't realize that until I truly began to seek God.
You see, God knew me before I was created in my mother's womb (Jer 1:5) and He KNEW the physical, emotional, and mental struggles that I would face during my time on this Earth. But God sent His son Jesus Christ into this world to OVERCOME those struggles. God gives me grace in every aspect of my life including any weight issues I have. God still loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and even has a HUSBAND for me that will love me like Christ loves the church despite my weight. God loves even the least of us, even when the world does not. God set me free from those paper chains and my self esteem has greatly improved over the past few years. My value doesn't come from the inches around my waste. Is it important to be healthy? Absolutely. Do I need to eat healthier and be more active? Yes and probably moreso than the next person because of my weight and where it's centered on my body (my tummy). But I am not less than because of my weight and I do not DESERVE less than for my weight. Christ died for big ole me too. And let's face it, EVERYONE needs to eat healthy and stay active; fat people do not need to be singled out as if they are the only ones who need to make healthy choices. Sometimes I still struggle with my self esteem, and now that I'm not so caught up on how I look weight wise anymore, new attacks try to spring up. That's when I have to remember who I am...child of God, the righteousness of Christ, a part of a royal priesthood, and most importantly...LOVED.
With all of that being said, I commission all of you to love those people who you consider hard to love. Many people consider fat people hard to love, but I press you to resist the temptation to shame them because of their bodies and instead seek God and figure out ways to love them. It will certainly be a challenge because many of us automatically think we must focus on a fat person's weight, but I urge you to focus on their heart instead.
True Love
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