Shut It Down: Seriously.

    This morning as I was getting ready for my workday, I decided to hop in the shower and get squeaky to some tunes on my iPad.  As I scrolled through the "S" section on my iTunes, I came across Drake's song "Shut it Down," which happens to be one of my favs by him. As I was listening to the end of the song (starting at about the 5 minute mark), I heard the following lyrics:




"The way I’m feeling, the things I say all just happen, when you pass my way what can I do to make you stay I know its getting late but girl I don’t want you to leave you tell me you’re just not the type you wanna do this right and I’m not tryin to say I don’t believe you but I refuse to feel ashamed and if you feel the same does waiting really make us better people? take those f****n heels off its worth it girl nothing is what I can picture you in so take that f****n dress off I swear you won’t forget me you’ll be happy that you let me lay you down down down"
     
Now, Drake is clearly trying to seduce a woman into staying the night and having intercourse with him even though she has expressed that it is not what SHE WANTS. In fact, she lets him know that she wants to "do this right," yet he still presses on for a night of instant gratification.   The tone of Drake's lyrics indicate that this night of ecstasy is completely fine, and there is nothing wrong with doing this. However, I'm going to have to completely and utterly DISAGREE with Drake on this notion.  Drake displays a common attitude that I'm sure many of us women have seen from various men, but I'm here to let you know that if you are trying to "do things right" ( probably meaning actually getting to know a person, establishing mutual respect, and aiming towards a meaningful relationship) this is NOT the way to get there.  We think that doing simple things like letting a guy come over to "chill" or having sexual relations early in a relationship are not a big deal. Well, guess what? They VERY much are.  Take a look at the Black Girls Are Easy Blog article "Dating vs. Come Over and Chill" where the male author explains why it is NOT okay to chill with guys early on if we are looking for a relationship.  It is an amazing read, so I highly suggest it. 
      Music today influences young minds to let go and indulge in sexual pleasures without much thought, protection, or meaning involved. We all love the sultry sounds of Drake, Trey Songz, Usher, and others as well as the classic club bangers like "Back That Thang Up" (my personal fav), Dance (ASS), and other hype songs like these, but ladies these songs should remain just what they are--entertainment--if you are looking for the real deal (and they wonder why so many marriages are ending up in divorce!). I'm no relationship expert, but after the many hurts and disappointments that I've been through, I have learned that returning to old ways are the best way. Waiting and Dating. Yup, waiting and dating.  
       I firmly believe that men are responsible for their actions, and I am devastated by how often women are taken advantage of by men who only want to see you back it up, drop it low, or twerk it reaaaallll good.  BUT, I also believe that you must "be the change that you want to see in the world." So ladies, if we want  to see a change in the social relationships between men and women, we must change how we handle our side of the relationships.  We as a group must raise our expectations.  Be patient and don't settle for less than you deserve ( NO ONE, man or woman, deserves to be treated like meat).  Wait until you have established a relationship of mutual respect and communication to decide about the sexual aspect of the relationship (at the very least!).  I don't think we can win this battle without loving and supporting each other through it. We've got to stop the hating, cattiness, and jealousy that often proliferates around the subject of men.  If you've got a click of friends, date EACH OTHER until the RIGHT MAN comes along for each of you.  It is time we stop playing into the BS that many of these artists and other media personalities feed to us--it is not okay to indulge like this unless you want to live a sexually free lifestyle.  Of course men are going to try to convince us to give it up ( and you may actually want to), but you will dramatically decrease your chances of having a relationship if you play into it.  
So ladies curvy and skinny alike, if you're ready to find something real like I am, SHUT THAT ISH DOWN. Let's get old school on em! 

Also, a nice clip about Tracy McMillan's latest book: Why You're Not Married
Yahoo! interview with Tracy McMillan

Excuse my fat, please

     A business woman should dress professional, an astronaut must dress for outerspace, and a firefighter must dress for the heat. But a fat person? What do they dress for? Misery? Disguise? Or do they simply dress for very same reason that any other human being would--fashion, presentation, personality, etc? I think we can all agree as human beings that we dress in order to 1.) not be running around bucked naked 2.) in order to reflect our personality and 3.) in order to look good and feel good about ourselves.  Should fat people be excluded from any of the above reasons for wearing clothing? I think not.  However, I have found this growing trend pop-up in the plethora of plus-size fashion blogs that are out there in which bloggers are writing "disclaimers"  that indicate that although they are plus size people who love fashion, they are not trying to encourage others to be/stay fat.

       Society has conditioned us to view fat people in a very particular way--lumpy, unattractive, low self-esteem, and often times funny.  Moreover, we have been conditioned to believe that being fat or overweight in any way destines one to have life-threatening health issues.  None of the above is either completely or always true.  Frankly, I'm very irritated with the fact that my fellow curvy and/or plus-size ladies cannot write a blog post, put on a pair of shorts, or whatever else they feel like doing without being bashed for promoting an "unhealthy lifestyle." A healthy lifestyle means eating healthy foods and getting regular exercise. That has NOTHING to do with how a person decides to dress their body. Furthermore, there are plenty of people fat or not who DO NOT do this. In fact, at well 5'9" 1/2 inches and weighing in well over 200 lbs., I was, at one point, running the mile in under 11 minutes, playing basketball, and making pretty damn good attempts at the flex arm hang.  As a matter of fact, I've NEVER been skinny a day in my life, but I always participated in sports and I loved my fruits, vegetables, and yogurt.  So why hate on fat people? Because society perpetuates a very strong stigma about weight, which makes all people at any size insecure about their weight. Those insecure people find consolation in picking at those who are bigger than them. With a social environment like the one we live in, who would want to see a dude or chick twice your size picking up a guy/girl whose never even looked your way?

      As a fat girl who grew up with weight of my weight looming over my head, I realized that all of the efforts (some being very negative and hurtful) my family and peers used to get me to lose weight were more harmful than helpful.  When people say, "you need to lose weight because you're unhealthy," I never believe them. You don't know a damn thing about my health. And I highly doubt that you're actually concerned about it.  What you're really trying to tell me is "you'd look better if you weren't fat" or "you would be a better person if you were skinny." Well, the next time someone feigns concerns about my weight, they will more than likely get a very polite telling-off.  I'm not going to sit around and apologize or feel bad about my weight. God made all of us in different shapes and sizes for a reason that I cannot explain.  Just like YOU may have been born with flat abs and did nothing to warrant having them, some others were born naturally with extra weight on them.  Nobody is perfect. No one ever will be.  The important thing is that we ALL focus on what is best for our bodies--eating healthy foods and exercising regularly.

       And I'm going to tell you all a little secret about myself--I feel better about myself now than I did 60 lbs smaller ago.  Why? Because I couldn't wait on losing weight in order to be happy or feel good about myself.  As a matter of fact, I do MORE things that are good for me when I feel good about myself. Fat or not, I'm beautiful and i'm going to say what I want to say, wear what I want to wear, and do whatever the hell it is I  want to do.  I am working everyday to FREE myself from the vicious stereotypes and myths, which have made my weight a debilitating focal point in my life.  I will free myself from the thoughts and feelings that have held me in devastating insecurity for so long. I am beautiful, and I love myself--I tell myself this every time some fleeting negative thought about my looks enters my mind.  So to all of the haters and all of the narrow-minded people out there who are trying to condemn  plus-size fashionistas, focus your efforts on being SECURE within yourself. Being healthy not includes your diet and activity, but it also hinges on having a positive outlook on one's self no matter where you are in your life. For those of you who truly are concerned about the health and well-being of human beings, educate yourself thoroughly and realize that weight  may not be the biggest battle (how about we talk about the limited availability of fresh and wholesome food choices to poor people? Or the fact that our readily available food choices are bogged down with artificial fillers and flavorings?)

       Welp, until next time, XOXOXO!!